Wedding invitation etiquette: 25 questions, answered

Dear reader, etiquette is not a set of traps. It is the accumulated wisdom of people who wanted their guests to feel welcome and unconfused. Most of the rules below reduce to that. Where a rule has quietly changed in the last twenty years, I say so; where it has not, I say that too.

Who and how

Whose names go first on the invitation?

Traditionally the bride's, following the hosts. When the couple hosts, put the names in the order that sounds right to you; there is no longer a rule that outranks your ear.

We are paying for our own wedding. Do we still name our parents?

You may, and it is gracious to. "Together with their families" honours everyone without making anyone the host.

My parents are divorced. How do we list them?

Each on their own line, mother first, no "and" between them. If one has remarried, name the couple on that line. If it is complicated, "Together with their families" is the kind escape.

Do we use "honour of your presence" or "pleasure of your company"?

"Honour of your presence" for a ceremony in a house of worship; "pleasure of your company" everywhere else. The British spelling of honour is traditional on formal invitations in the United States and looks correct, not affected.

Do we write out the date and time?

On a formal invitation, yes: "Saturday, the fourth of October, two thousand twenty-six, at four o'clock in the afternoon." On a relaxed one, numbers are fine and clearer.

Guests, plus-ones, and children

Who gets a plus-one?

Married, engaged and cohabiting partners, always, by name. Long-term partners you know about, by name. Single guests who will know nobody, if the budget allows. "And guest" for everyone else is generous but not required.

How do we say no plus-ones without being rude?

By addressing the invitation precisely. If the envelope, or the guest list on a digital invitation, names only one person, that is the answer, and it needs no sentence. If asked, "we are keeping it to people we both know" is honest and kind.

How do we tell people the wedding is adults only?

Once, on the details page: "We are keeping our celebration adults only." Not on the invitation card, not in capitals, and not with a reason. Address the invitation to the adults by name so the message is consistent.

Someone replied for people we did not invite. What now?

A call, warm and immediate: "We're so glad you're coming. We've had to keep the list to the names on the invitation, so it will be just you two." On a digital invitation where guests reply by picking a name from your list, this mostly cannot happen.

Do we invite people who we know cannot come?

If you would want them there, yes. An invitation is not a demand. Do not send one purely to prompt a gift; people can tell.

Timing

When should invitations go out?

Six to eight weeks before a local wedding; three to four months before a destination one. Save the dates six to eight months ahead, longer for travel. The fuller note is in when to send wedding invitations.

How long do guests have to reply?

About four weeks, with the deadline three to four weeks before the wedding. The caterer wants numbers about two weeks out.

Is it rude to send a reminder?

One reminder, by name, a week before the deadline, is a courtesy. A second reminder should be a phone call.

Can we send the invitation before the save the date arrives?

Only if there was no save the date. If you sent one, let it land first; it promises that the invitation is coming.

Gifts and money

Can we put the registry on the invitation?

Not on the card itself. On the details page, low down, in one gentle line, yes. Guests look for it there and are grateful not to be told on the first screen.

Is it acceptable to ask for money instead of gifts?

It has become common and is no longer considered rude if done softly: "Your presence is the best gift. If you would like to contribute to our honeymoon, there is a note below." Never an amount, never a demand.

Do we mention that there will be no gifts at all?

You may say "your presence is enough" once. Do not write "no gifts" in capitals; people will bring one anyway, and now they feel they have disobeyed.

Digital invitations

Is a digital wedding invitation proper?

Yes, for a wedding of any formality, provided it is a designed invitation that opens like one and not a form. Send it to each household personally, by text or email, never as a broadcast. The longer answer is in are digital wedding invitations tacky.

Do older guests need a paper copy?

Ask them. Nearly all of them will open a link from a name they know. For the few who prefer paper, print one copy of the same design and write their reply into your list yourself.

Can we send a paper invitation to some guests and a link to others?

Yes, and it is a sensible split: paper for the handful who will keep it, the link for everyone else. Keep the wording identical on both.

Is it rude if the invitation has a company's name on it?

A small maker's mark at the very end, like a stationer's imprint on the envelope flap, is traditional and fine. A company logo on the front, or an advertisement, is not, and you should choose a maker that does not do that.

The awkward ones

A guest has not replied and the deadline has passed. What do we do?

Telephone them the day after the deadline; a voice gets an answer a text does not. Whoever you cannot reach, plan a seat for anyway and forgive them in advance.

A guest replied yes and now cannot come. Do they owe us anything?

A prompt word and, ideally, a call. Nothing more. Late cancellations are part of every wedding; plan two spare seats and forgive them in advance.

We had to uninvite someone. How?

In person or by phone, briefly, honestly, without a list of reasons. Never by message, never through a third person. Then do not discuss it further.

Someone asked to bring their new partner we have never met.

If the budget and the room allow, say yes warmly. If not: "We'd love to meet them another time; this one we've kept to people we both know." Say it once and mean it.